without.

dying without his touch, longing to feel, longing to breathe.
taking me over in pain, the sound of his voice, the touch of his hand.
all I am with out, a shell with no emotion, a heartless beast.
when his eyes meet mine, when he says "your beautiful", when his lips touch mine.
when he says those three little words, those words that mean the world.
"I love you"
<3

the never ending deep (alternate ending)

I feel hot all over, a slowly open my eyes to see someone standing above me. i must have fallen asleep, i think I'm sun burnt. he starts speaking though i can't make out anything that he is saying. i just nod, he grabs for my arm and picks me up, takes me away, i fall asleep in his arms.... i awake to be in an unknown place, somewhere i have never seen before, a place i have never known before. then i look over to the door way, my heart jumps, butterflies fill my gut, there he is the same guy from the beach, it been such a short amount of time, but i realise then that i. love. him.

more than a rawr.

So, about one in the moring, me: "oh, oh, oh, blog idea, must find paper and write" this is the result of that random idea XD

scared of more than a rawr,
frightening more than before,
becoming so much more real,
falling, head over heel,
just knowing you are near,
there is nothing left to fear.
so now that I'm saved,
i might just behave,
feeling that are not defined,
I'm really losing my mind.

control

fighting these thoughts,
they try to control me,
as i spread my wings,
let me come along,
make it happen again,
love mixed with hate,
i push, you pull.
highlighting these pages,
nightmares of dreams,
stealing secrets,
words of black.

the edge of all reality

take my hand and take me away,
falling from the stars,
with a scary reality, no future.
these ropes that pull us tight,
lying on the floor, crimson carpet.
with just a second comes a end.
burning with desire,
a fire, so hard to control.
nights of passion with words and teeth,
screaming for that we can't have.
the floor from crimson to black,
hating all we love.
suffering though the pleasure.
taking what we can't, for fun.
burning with such a power.

take me under.

to the limit.

to the edge of all reality.

cause you know.

cause you know i love it.
on this track, going round the circle
repeating the steps of nights before.
walking, running, holding hands.
it's such a dangerous game.
to play it twice... oh we shouldn't.
i take my chance and jump.
I'll fly before i fall.
with no sleep and less chance.
i take this risk for what may be.
cause you know i hate it.

for you all those people we hate to love and love to hate.

XP

back in the never ending deep.

I feel hot all over, a slowly open my eyes to see someone standing above me. i must have fallen asleep, i think I'm sun burnt. he starts speaking though i can't make out anything that he is saying. i just nod, he grabs for my arm and picks me up, takes me away, i fall asleep in his arms.... i wake as the freezing water engulfs me, it feel good on my sun burn. my eyes open in the salt water and sting, i swim to the top, and look out over the water, i see him, standing on top of that same ledge i jumped off the first time. i will give up, i stop swimming and just sink...

So that's the end of the never ending deep, that did actually end. that was one of three ending i had, the other two were, he would either carry her off and they would be happy, or she would lie on the shore till she got swept off to sea again. i hope you liked it! XD

supposed school work #4

The heat of your touch runs up to my neck.
I shake not knowing if i can fall.
With the wind blowing stronger than ever.
Signs trying to show us the way.
Sleeping in empty beds of tomorrow.
Couriosity of what, that might.
Should we light this fire?

(This was on the back of my methods cheat sheet from my test today, haha, this is what happens when you finish early)

supposed school work #3

My heart beats faster,
You enter the room,
The touch it burns,
Burns that never heal,
Run towards that light,
This darkness follows me,
Never able to enter.

supposed school work #2

Fantasy beats reality and life is better than death. We walk on feet and not hands. Feeling beats fantasy, and reality is better than death. With out pain there is no pleasure.
So be a contradiction and show me what i don't want, cause that is what i want. Become what i hate so that i might love you.
We won't hold back, we will fight this war.
Set the stage and put on the show.
The act is easy.
Lets play pretend.

supposed school work #1

I'm falling to pieces unknown,
i really wish you could have known,
I've held me together for so long,
but no more because of those songs,
spend my time hiding my self from you,
i don't know what else i can do,
if you really knew how i felt,
would you run? would you hide?
i think i will just stay with my time to bide,
I'll be there, pick you up when you fall.

well that wasn't so bad i guess.... XD

school work?

The next four posts are random things i have wrote during class. (math) i'm not actually sure how long ago i wrote half of these. i have no clue if they are any good, heres to hoping. *fingers crossed*

direction

with my eyes closed, and my hands out in front of me i walk blindly with and expectation of what is coming but never really knowing. i keep hitting things, i fall, i move in a different direction. some how i keep bumping in to the samethings, that turn me one way, the back around. i'm going in circles, and i don't want to stop.

rules

i need rules (thanks to Meagan and Kyle for the idea.)
1. Truth, I will not lie.
2. School is important. I will do homework and i will get amazing marks.
3. I am a good girl. Enough said.
4. I will be straight forward. No more dancing around what i really wanna say.
5. I will NOT like for a taken guy. Not doing that again.


I will probably add more rules as life goes on, we will see.
Lets hope i don't break them, but i have a feeling i already have broke one..... haha

worth it.

i crawl thought this dirty world, just getting by, with my dress cut up, and knees bleeding. stones stuck in my hands, bleeding... the blood is all though my hair. it will all be worth it in the end, all this pain for the goal at hand. the power, the freedom, it's not far away now. how could it be? I'm almost there. even if I'm bleeding all over by the end of it, it will be worth it. i put my hand up to push the hair out of my face and feel the warmth of new blood, now how did that one happen? must have been my last fall...

the shore

the shore is just ahead, your gone now, I'm almost there the water is warming as it gets shallower. soon i feel the rough sand under my feet a wade my way to the beach where i collapse and just lie in waiting.

new

new people, new situations, so many new things, nw feeling for new people, not knowing how it is. the freshness of no more pain, the fun of the start, the start that shouldn't be happeing. what shouldn't happen does we will see where this one goes.

looking back.

the past, what we were is a rosy Hew now. something i can look back on and smile about because the pain is forgotten, i can't remember the moments, the times, miss them, but know that there may be better moments and times one day, with someone else.
nostalgia is an interesting feeling. now the clouds have parted there is a bit more sunlight. so close the door but don't lock it, you may not want to go back now, but maybe one day.

rings and bands

options, choices, rings and bands.
what to wear tonight, and then tomorrow.
are we walking or running.
worried, scared and excited.
promise, tomorrow and forever.
meaning so much to me, but nothing from you.
a life hangs, i cut it in half.
for a world not of this.
a passion thats so dam wrong.
deffernces, changes, rings and bands.

nightmares and dreams

I woke from this nightmare to find a dream in waiting.
Now the nightmare seems like a dream with a bad ending.
Is it the start of a new dream or just another nightmare?
Should wake up before it begins?

Anyone else think it's funny how a dream can seem like a nightmare or a nightmare like a dream depending on which way you look at it. I love nightmares, the Rush i get from them, the waking up in the middle of the night scared out of my wits, it excites me, it the time it's so scary but i look back and love it. But i don't dream often, so those few dreams i have i try to hold on to.

risks

should it stop before it starts?
a ending before the begining?
silence to prevent the sounds of crying?
but isn't the point of life to take risks?

so this memory this moment this time it will never mean anything to me.

guess the song from the lyrics.

so here i'm putting my fav lines from random songs i listen to, your job comment and guess what songs they are: (11 & 12 there for you morgan haha)

1. i thought i had all the answers, never giving in, but baby since you've gone, i admit that i was wrong.
2. it's hard now to let you be, i won't make excuses, i've made my peace.
3. to this place, to you babe, i can't stay away.
4. this is the last straw, don't wanna hurt anymore, you can tell me that your sorry but i won't believe you baby like i did before.
5. stupid girl I should have known, I should have known, that I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairytale.
6. and she said, i can count on you win or lose, it's gonna drown us from inside.
7. baby, baby, when we first meet i never felt something so strong.
8. i know my heart is cold, i take back all the things i told you, i'd trade my soul away for just another day to hold you.
9. and when you do your worst mmmm that feels the best.
10. you say you love me but you won't when you find out who i am.
11. tomorrow comes, sorrow becomes his soul mate.
12. never ever have i ever felt so low.
13. sometimes it's the risk of getting hurt thats beautiful and worse than being numb and feeling nothing at all.
14. i will wait straight through as i wait for you too, endlessly. (must be my fav song at the moment)
15. i'm just a girl, who kissed a boy, who is in love with someone else.
16. i only want sympathy in the form of you crawling in to bed with me.
17. you were the only face i'd ever known i was the light from the lamp on the floor. (lost the game)
18. thank you for not letting go when i said let me go.
19. can't you see everything you are belongs to me, the city like were fading i saw her on the pavement.
20. i've to fix the way i think, but i just never feel, never feel, alone.

can you guess them?

these walls

a life full of memories, moments and scenes.
but the ones that will matter are yet to be seen.
these places, these wall they hold all the secrets.
where we loved and we fought and everything else we regret.

these times are dark and ws me never knew.
just how did we really become me and you?
inside this room the walls close in.
i take this chance to pray for my sin.

we saw that what we were doing was just so wrong.
we both knew what was going to go on.
i know you know that I'm insane.
but babe it was you that made it this way.

the bottom of the never ending deep.

then i saw it. the bottom, i picked up speed as i swam i need to get to the bottom so i could push my way back up to the top. there is sea weed everywhere. as i touch my feet down to the bottom it is slippery, like the edges of out door pools that are not kept in perfect condition. the sea weed sweeps up against my leg begging me to stay with it at the bottom of this ocean. it's just as lonely as i am. i consider staying but the burning in my lungs reminds me i need air. i have no clue how far out to sea i am. i swam across the top for so long. with one quick push the sea weed lets me go and i swim to the top, it doesn't take me long but i can't keep track of time any more. i have no idea how long i have been swimming for. my mind, filled with so many thoughts of you, has messed up my ability to comprehend anything else. i try to see how far away the shore is but my eyes are stinging from the salt and my tears are clouding my vision. i only just realise how tired i am. all body body is aching, screming for me to give it a rest, i will once i move on to the shore.

P.s. i realise how the bottom of the never ending deep sounds stupid, but i never said it went down for ever. it just hasw no end on the sides.

random ranting.

The one?
Mr. right?
Soul mate?

Stupid words for stupid people that belive there is such a stupid thing as love.
We go to these movies they make us belive that no matter how bad someone stuffs up in the end the person they love will forgive them and all will be well. sorry people but thats not realitly. reality is where if you stuff up there are no second chances, where love does not last for ever. how could it when it does not exist. "the greatest thing you will ever learn is just to love and be loved in return" pffftt that is stupid. that not somthing we learn thats what movies tell us will happen. that love is an actual thing. there is only one thing and that is lust, love does not exist. thats what drives us untill the point where we are so used to this person we are too lazy to leave them.

i will spend hours trying to convice my self that all this i true. in my heart i will always know all i just typed is false and will never be true. i will try to make myself belive there is no such thing as love, but if there is no such thing then why do i cry over it? oh well. i thought i found my one, Mr. right, soul mate or whatever people like to call it. that one person you would give up anything for. that person you never want to let go of, that person you want to marry, that person who actually takes all your messed up stuff. now i see that it was really nothing, sure i may have felt like that, but if he was really any of those things then he wouldn't have move on in only a month, he would have fought for me, he would have chased after me when i did it. if only he had seen me when i walk past his work that night, if he had come out and seen me then i could have taken it back, she wouldn't have been able to stop me. oh well, it's not his fault, it never will be. i will have to live with the fact that it's mine.

memories.

carlos.
icy people. (and their dance)
Uno.
mulan.
scooter gang.
hiding under the hat.
"i like biscuit"
the constantly changing phone backgrounds.
the night in the car.
craxy.
my couch.

time to forget each and everyone of them.

stop and think

so there is was listening to a song, (don't go by hope partlow.) and one line jump out at me:
He remembers how he's not suppose to feel
on seconds thought all the lyrics in the whole bloody song make me think of things. of him. my...well her.. amazing.
remembers how hes not meant to feel. i like it. it speaks to me in so many ways.
All these stupid things that stop us from really feeling what we should. it could all disappear so quickly. in the blink of an eye.
i guess alL I'M really saying is stop and think
'if i died tomorrow would i regret the things i didn't feel?'

in the never ending deep

i hit the water it was freazing. the last hing i saw before i hit was you and her. my face felt so hot. hot and cold an amazing mixture of feelings. the salt gets in my eyes it stings but it is nothing compared the what i feel running though my body. it is frezing and boiling.
i swear you touched me before i jumped. i didn't see you do it but the fire i feel running from that spot tells me you did. you always had that effect on me. one touch and there was fire all over my body. the fire is slowly dieing and here it is the freazing this water is so cold. i will keep going.
i will keep swimming. i will keep going down, down, down. i still havn't hit the bottom. will there ever be a end to this? it is torturing me maybe it's a trick of the light but i keep seeing tha bottom but when i get there there is nothing but more water. will i ever find it?

love. what a stupid consept.

stuff it. i give up on it, it never works. so why try? no point really.
always mess it up.
so i think i will just have fun from now on.
who needs it?
why would you want it? it is so stupid.
does it even exist?
how would we know if it didn't?
so i will give up on it.

falling in to the never ending deep.

So there i was standing with you looking over the ocean, standing on that ledge. Oh the view really was amazing. I saw it first but you missed it. I pointed it out to you and we sat and waited to see it again, and there it was we both saw that flash of lightning. The waves started to get bigger, they splashed our faces and then it happened. The ledge had gotten slippery from the all the water, you slipped and fell in to the never ending deep, or did i push you...

There was nothing i could do, you hit the water with a small splash, i sat there and i cried.

When i saw you again, after believing for so long that you were gone, you were back again on that ledge, i should have been there with you instead you were alone, then someone else walk up to you. She was sitting there with you watching the water. I ran past you and this time I fell in to the never ending deep.

too much

so how much longer can i do this.
i cry too much.
i hurt too much.
i love you too much.
i need you too much.
we are ment to be.
you know it.
why are you ignoring it.
i love you, you love me.
fuck the world, fuck everything can't we just be happy?

Poison

Yeah, Babe, we both know i'm poisonous.

But Boy, you know your the cure.

So how is it we do the things we do?

We both know it all wrong but it feels so right.

Inside your veins, my poison pulses.

Some how you don't stop me.

Is it your addicted to me poison?

So maybe this is not right to do.

But can we do it again and again?

We let this river flow, it flows too fast.

For one more time we should let go.

Like we do while running down stairs.

Can we take this evil and make it good?

So we take our chances and don't let them waste.

I know we both need to stop.

I will sweep this dust under the carpet.

But i really want to clean it up again.

For the moment i will live in these memories

If they fade may i have replacements?

Will you take my poison again?

castles and dragons and knights.

for my amazing, though you may not me mine anymore.
this thing (i don't know what it is but random sentences) is pretty sucky but it says what i need it to.

i had a choice, i made mine.
you have a choice to be made.
don't do as i did and make a mistake.
but sometimes a step backwards is two forward.

does it have to be like this?

in this modern day, without castles and dragons and knights.
you are still my knight.
i am still your princess.
take me from this castle,
and save me from the dragon.

can't we take it back to before we went wrong?
maybe we could just fly away from here?
away from this world and it's problems.
a forever, just you and me and nights of stars and rooftops.

do you really mean what you say?
should i trust in you and hold on?
maybe i should just run like every time before?
yes i am sorry. but are you really sorry that I'm gone?

in this modern day, without castles and dragons and knights.
you are still my knight.
i am still your princess.
take me from this castle
and save me from the dragon.

if only you could be in my arms once more.
couldn't we just steal one night?

so when i rains take me inside.
we can sit in front of the fire and play uno.

in this modern day, without castles and dragons and knights.
you are still my knight.
i am still your princess.
take me from this castle
and save me from the dragon.

i was sacred before but not anymore.
you are more important than my fears.
yes, i am messed. but you are too.
that's what made us so perfect.

i have never dreamed.but now i forever dream of you.
if only reality could be better than my dreams again.

in this modern day, without castles and dragons and knight.
you are still my knight.
i am still your princess.
take me from this castle
and save me from the dragon.

i can't ever stop the fire your burning.
i guess i will just let it engulf me.

never seeing what i want. why continue?
if the door is locked why am i trying to open it?

in this modern day, without castles and dragons and knights.
you are still my knight.
i am still your princess.
take me from this castle
and save me from the dragon.

do you get home and think of me?
is it that easy for you to turn me off?
if only i could stop the trap which is my mind.

there is still this random yellow band on my wrist.
it will never leave my wrist.
as long as my heart yearns for you this will be my proof.
forevermore i will wish my hand to be in yours.

in this modern day, without castles and dragons and knights.
i wish you were still my amazing.
i will forever be your princess.
take me from this world
and save me from myself.

your lady, i love you. xo

right?

i didn't.
i could.

i was.

i still might. right?

please come back. it won't pass.

I thought you were going to wait for me?
I always will love you.
I'm sorry take me back please?

crossings

i look left, i look right, i see nothing so i cross.
i look left, i see nothing, i look right and there is something, so i wait. then i cross
i look left and there it is, i stop and i wait and wait.
how much longer will i be waiting here?
i got over the first road fine.
the second road i got though with small delay.
but now i'm up to the third raod and it's only getting harder.
aint it ment to get easier?

right?

i did it, i needed to. right?
i couldn't keep going on like that. right?
i wasn't going to work. right?
if only it did.
i an;t go on with out you, but you need so much better.
stand clear. come near me and you are sure to get hurt.
yes, that is a warning to any guy out there.

it hurts so much right now but it will pass. right?

How is it?

How is it?
That when ever it is looking bright out side that it rains?
When i turn the corner in this maze i find something fun but i always end up at the same place?
I see you and i feel like melting but i never can?
I need this more than anything but will never have it?
That he can do such a thing to me?
I can't resist the temptation of that one book?
That those words can stuff everything up?
I am so many different people?
I really just don't know any more?
That i believe it will happen?
He can keep saying it?
He won't say it?
I don't really care anymore?

How is it?

happy

*sigh* i'm so happy.

choice

OK, so, there was the popcorn and i chose it but now I'm not sure if that was right because the ice cream is just so tempting but never there....

no title

Why does this always happen? Every time i talk to you.
It's almost as it was before, that night. That was one f the best days of my life.
On that huge stage in front of all those people, then sitting in the stands and watching the ending.
Something about it sticks in my memories, no matter how much i try to erase them they just stay, they won't leave no matter how much i try.
The memories won't leave me, but you did?
How come i can't let the memories of you go?
I know you will never read this but i still miss you.

flash, flash, flash the line that i will continue to type on has that line that flashes expecting more words there are so many i could write but i won't.

metaphors are fun!

Today, i opened my cupboard. I was hungry. And I looked in side. noodles. There OK but a bit bland. I knew there was enough stuff in the fridge to make salad but it's just so much effort so that idea was dismissed. There was pop corn all I had to do was open it and put it in the microwave........maybe. Then the Weetbix jumped out at me, as they do every day. Then I decided I wanted some ice cream, I open the freezer, guess what I can't have ice cream there is none. So now I'm stuck i can't have ice cream and there is always the pop corn but I'm not sure if i want that........I'll tell you when i decide.

confusing

people are confusing ever tried to understand one?
even trying to understand your self is impossibe.
so how the hell are we ment to find out whats going on when there is no talking?

i don't know

every felt so confused you have no idea what to do any more?
that's how i feel right now, it's odd i've always known.
always had a reason, an answer but now i just don't know anymore?
do i go left or right?
do i wait for it to go back to normal?
do i just decided and hope i'm right???
i don't know...